What I (Maybe) Learned in my 40's

I regularly see articles shared on Facebook with the title “Things I learned in my 40’s”.  I cringe when I see these lists, because I end up not agreeing with each item and that makes me feel like I have failed at being 40-something. 

For example, each list always contains some version of “I no longer give a crap about what others think of me.”  If only that were true for me.  I inherited the “always give a crap about what others think of you” gene from my mom, and there is no expiration date on it. This does not apply in some circumstances.  I truly don’t give a crap if my neighbors see me in Stop and Shop looking like I just rolled out of bed.  However, I am still a work in progress with regard to the need to be liked and the need to be needed.  That being said, I have become better at just saying “no” to doing things that I really don’t want to do.  I definitely have always had FOMO (fear of missing out) but nowadays that fear has its ass beaten regularly by the desire to sit on my sectional couch (I always wanted one) and watch whatever is on TBS.

The realization that mortality is inevitable is another concept that is always on these lists.  I’m on board with that one.  My parents both passed away at the age of 81.  When I was younger, if you would have said to me that someone passed at that age, I would have said something like “wow!  81!  That person lived a long, long life.  It must have been time.” Now, my reaction is more like “81??  I can’t die at 81!  That’s the age that I planned to stop giving a crap about what others think of me!!”

Writers of these lists have come to the peaceful conclusion that the laundry will always be there, that time spent worrying about the state of one’s house is time spent not enjoying life.  Let’s be real for a moment, shall we?  While I am far from being meticulous when it comes to the neatness of my house (just ask my husband, he’ll tell you) I spend some time every single day straightening up, doing laundry, and/or going through the large stacks of papers that take over my dining room table.  You would never know it, because actually getting ahead is impossible.  As soon as I put something away, one of my children is taking two more things out. If I actually subscribed to the philosophy that “it can wait”, every inch of my floor would be covered with Shopkins, hair ties and craft projects.  Yes, often my 7 year old is asking me to play with her as I scurry around the house.  And, yes, I feel bad when I tell her that I can’t play with her at that time.  And that is why the Lord above created YouTube.

So, what have I actually learned in my 40’s?  I’ve learned that some people who you thought would always be a part of your life, won’t be, but that people who you thought were long gone can come back.

I’ve learned that we are all struggling with something.  Everyone has a story. Everyone.

I’ve learned that aside from family and friends, everyone should have something that brings them joy, something that makes them smile, something to escape to.  For me, this is music.

I’ve learned that as much as I was always determined to not make the same mistakes that I thought my parents did, I will.  But I have also learned that the key to parenting is communication.  I communicate the crap out of my kids, whether they like it or not.

What have you learned? 

WWDGD?

I have a million dollar idea.  I’ve decided I am going to create a line of clothing and jewelry with the letters “WWDGD” on each item.  WWDGD stands for “What Would Dave Grohl Do?”  Let me explain…

For those who don’t know, Dave Grohl is the singer and guitarist for the band Foo Fighters.  One month ago, Dave broke his leg onstage at a show in Sweden.  Instead of stopping the show there, he had the medic hold his ankle (which he thought was the sole injury) in place while he sang and played guitar from a chair.

After that show, 46 year-old Dave had a decision to make.  He could cancel the upcoming shows, but he knew that people were counting on him.  So, instead, he designed a tricked-out throne, from which he would sing and play during shows.  And sing and play he did going forward; for three solid hours each show.

His injury became a running joke throughout the show, in fact the tour is now known as the “Broken Leg Tour.”

I have always said that Dave Grohl is the coolest person on the planet.  He gained even more cool points with me when he appeared in the movie The Muppets as the drummer of the knock-off band, The Moopets. However, how he dealt with this injury takes him to a whole other dimension of cool.

I know that not all of us have access to a throne, though we damn well deserve one.  But Dave teaches us a valuable lesson.  There is always a solution.  There is always a way to keep moving forward, no matter what part of us is broken.  So, the next time you are faced with an obstacle, think to yourself, WWDGD? (patent pending)

No One Is To Blame (Except Mom)

Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend about blogs; about how we both previously wrote them but had neglected them.  I told her that I had not been inspired by anything.  Well, that changed today.  Witness the following text conversation between me and my tween, who was at camp at the time and looking through her swim bag:

Tween: MOM

Me: Yes?

Tween: DID YOU TAKE MY BRUSH OUT

Me: No

Tween: Then where is it?!?!,

Me: I did see a brush on the floor

Tween: and you didn’t tell me ugh

And that, dear readers, is the epitome of the mother/tween relationship.  See, moms of tweens are supposed to cater to our daughters’ every need, even before they know they need it, and if that need is not met, no matter how far removed we actually are from it, it is always our fault.

I have been blamed for just about everything. Supermarket is out of her favorite cookie.  My fault.  Rip in her shirt.  My fault.  No wifi at the bagel store.  My fault. No clean underwear.  My fault (OK, that one is kind of my fault but we are working slowly towards her doing her own laundry.)

I wonder why it’s so easy for mom to be the punching bag.  I think back to when I was as a tween (though I don’t believe they had that term in the pre-social media, meme and Disney Channel era.)  Yes, I was the same way with my mom.  I wonder why my tween is not that way with her dad.  I guess it is because no matter how involved fathers are in their child’s life (and my daughter’s dad is very involved), moms are always seen as the primary care-taker.  When one cog in the ever-moving machine of daily life gets stuck and the system breaks down, Chief Engineer Mom is the one to blame.

It’s hard not to get defensive. While I try to ignore these comments, sometimes I snap.  This time I chose to ignore.  A minute later I received a text that read “sorry that sounded mean.”  Victory! Then a moment later another text asking if I can take her to get her nails done.  I’ll take it.

Balance Shmalance

I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately about work/life balance and the one thing I have learned from the is this; I hate the term “work/life balance.”

Let’s start with the “work/life” part.  Listing these two in that way makes them opposed values.  I don’t know about you, but work is very much a part of my life. Work is a part of how I identify myself. To list them as opposite forces is unrealistic.  How often does a bad day at work influence your mood at home?  How many pictures of your family do you have in your office?  Work and “life” are intertwined like one big pretzel.  Therefore, I propose instead of “work/life” we say “work/TROL” (“TROL” standing for “the rest of life”, copyright pending.)

OK, so now that we have that settled, let’s talk about the whole idea of balance.  HA!  To me, the idea of balance conjures up an image of an old fashioned scale, where both sides are in perfect alignment at a given moment.  I don’t care if you are a mom, dad, worker or stay-at-home, do you ever feel this way?  I didn’t think so.  For me, and I am guessing most of you, the scale is in constant flux, sometimes the work side is higher, sometimes TROL is higher.  The key is not to allow ourselves to feel like something will always be “suffering” because of this.  Instead of being in the moment in whatever we are doing, we worry about the things that are not being done. How many times have you had the following thoughts?

•      I should do some work from home but the kids really want me to play Barbie, Candyland, school, Legos (fill in the blank.)
• ·      If I go to this conference I will miss my daughter’s recital (true story)
• ·      I want to read to the kids but the laundry is piling up.
• ·      I can spend time with the kids now instead of cooking, but then will feel guilty for getting take out instead of making them a healthy meal at home.

If your answer is “never”, well then please stop reading this blog and go back to baking your cookies from scratch and posting pictures of them on Pinterest.  If you answered “on a daily basis” then you and I have a lot in common and we should go out for drinks sometime.

In the wise words of Roseanne Rosannadanna, “it’s always something”.  Looking for balance sets us up for extreme failure, a goal that is just, in my humble opinion, unattainable (much like keeping my den neat or staying away from M&Ms.)

Maybe we should see life as more of a see saw, some parts are up, some parts are down, the goal is to just stay on so the person on the other side does not come crashing down too hard.

Do I take my own advice? Well, that’s debatable depending on the day, the hour, the moment, but it sounds like a helluva New Year’s Resolution. Who’s with me?

I Know I'm Getting Older Cause...

• Going on a playground swing has become an extreme sport.
• I don't recognize the people on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.  Ever.  Unless it's a "throwback" issue.
• Getting standing-room-only tickets to a concert seem preposterous.
• I use the word "preposterous." 
• Comfortable shoes rock my world.
• Going to see a movie that starts after 10:00pm?????
• I always bring a jacket with me.
• Drinking red wine puts me to sleep.
• Watching movies at home after 10:00 puts me to sleep.
• Pretty much anything puts me to sleep.
• I use one of those daily medication sorters.
• I make the reflexive "uhh" sound when I get up from a seated position.
• I sometimes use "I need to put the weather channel on" as an excuse to sit down on the couch for a few minutes (but then when I get up..."uhh".)
• I had to teach my office's graduate assistant how to use the fax machine.
• I don't know what a meme is.
• I still use a camera.
• I don't remember how to dance.
• I just panicked cause my screen disappeared and I did not know how to get it back.

Florence

When I was in high school I started working at a local bank as a customer service representative.  I was a part-timer and since I worked Thursday and Friday evenings and Saturdays, I shared a desk with a full-timer who worked Monday-Friday until 4.  Her name was Florence.

Florence was a bit over-the-top.  She had very big, blonde hair.  Not 80's big, but kinda-like if you had a bee-hive hairdo and just flattened the top a bit so it stretched out horizontally.  She wore bright make up. She was a rather large women who was always in a skirt or dress, with matching jewelry.

When you are 16 everyone seems "old" to you so I actually don't know how old Florence was at that time, and couldn't even venture a guess now. What I did know was that she was unmarried with no children;  that she lived alone and seemed to prefer that over any alternative.

Florence was a bit, well, difficult to work with. She could be classified as a "curmudgeon." She wanted things the way she wanted things. Since we shared a desk, I often took great pleasure in messing with her by moving her things around. She would also get upset if people did not follow procedures. God help the person who did not put the Traveler's Cheques box in exactly the place it should be.  This was a women who did not hold back a thought.  She would not hesitate to complain to one of  the managers about something.  Consequently, many people found it, well, challenging to be around her. But, for some reason, Florence and I got along.  Maybe because I let her complain, or maybe because she always seemed genuinely friendly to me.

After 3 1/2 years I left the bank to pursue the greener pastures of telemarketing, a job which would not cramp my teen-age style by requiring me to work Friday nights and wake up early to work on Saturdays (that job, by the way, was short-lived, I just couldn't deal with the constant rejection of people yelling at me or hanging up on me.)  But my communication with Florence did not end along with my tenure at the bank.  She was great at sending cards, up until just a few years ago she always sent me a card for my birthday, even though I forgot hers long ago, and we always sent each other Christmas cards, every single year.  Once I had children she would write to me how much she enjoyed seeing the pictures of my girls.  Every card she sent had a hand-written note. Florence had great handwriting and always wrote her notes in the Christmas cards in red marker (she did love color.)  Unfortunately, her notes were filled with updates on what members of her family had died since the last card, and the health issues that she was experiencing herself.  However, she always ended with her hopes for a healthier and happier new year.

Every year I worried when I did not receive a card from Florence.  Usually her card was a bit late so I would say to my husband "haven't received a card from Florence yet" and he knew that meant that I was worried that I wouldn't. It was always a relief to see that envelope made out with red marker.

Today I received the card that I sent to her back in my mailbox.  There were three letters on the envelope that were not there when I mailed it out, those letters were "DEC." My heart sank.  My husband saw my face and said "maybe it means December", neither of us really thought that made much sense but it was a good try.

I immediately took to the internet and try to find any mention of her passing, but there was nothing.  The thing is, Florence had no spouse, no children, and she had outlived her siblings.  There was not even anyone to write me a note to explain her passing, all there was was someone to write "DEC" and place the envelope back in the mailbox.

Of course, now I wish I had done more for Florence over the years.  Maybe I could have gone to visit her.  Or maybe I could have written her birthday down once and for all. I think of the fact that the image I have of her in my mind is one from over 25 years ago.  Did she still have the big hair?  Still wear the make-up?  I think of how unique our "friendship" was.  I think of what I have learned by it, and how I will use Florence as an example for my girls of "don't judge a book by it's cover".  Maybe receiving my annual card with my girls' smiling faces brought a smile to her face; or maybe she just appreciated the fact that after all of these years she was still on my Christmas list.  Maybe the little things in life aren't so little after all.

Rest in peace, Florence.

Law and Order and Frozen Yogurt (AKA I Fought the Law and the Law Won)

It happened. I finally lost my mind.  After 43 years and more than a few near misses, I finally crossed the line between sane and insane.  Rational and irrational.  And all because of frozen yogurt.  Here's my story...

You know those emails that we all get that offer a discounted deal to a restaurant or service?  The ones that you pay half of the face value ahead of time for?  I love those and I order them regularly.  I was thrilled to see that my favorite frozen yogurt shop was offering a deal and I immediately ordered two of them.  I have bought so much froyo from this place for me and my family that they should have a flavor dedicated to me.

They arrived in the mail and I promptly used the first one. No incident.  The other day I returned to use the second one, my 5 year old with me. By the time I ordered I was already not in the best of moods.  After waiting on line because the cashier was nowhere to be found, I placed my order for a coffee smoothie only to be told that they don't offer that anymore. Strange since there is a huge poster advertising said smoothie in the window. So, I get off the line and fix myself a yogurt cup and get back on the line.

As I place my yogurts on the scale and order a gift certificate, the cashier makes a phone call and I hear "We don't take those (insert name) coupons, right?" The conversation with the cashier whom I will refer to as TC (for "tattooed cashier") went like this:

TC: (to manager on the phone)  We don't take those (insert name) coupons, right?
me: But you have to.
TC: (to me but still on the phone) We never authorized that deal.
me: But that is not my fault, I paid for this already.
TC: We don't accept it.
me: Let me speak with the manager.
TC: No, she is driving.
me: Let me speak with her.
TC: No.
me: Then give me her name and number and I will call her back.
TC: I can't do that (and she hangs up with her.)
me: Get the manager back on the phone.
TC: I can't do that, she is driving to another location.
me: I paid for this already, your name is on it, your logo and your location, you have to accept it.
TC: No we don't.
me: But I already used one at this location and you accepted it.
TC: I have to ask you to leave the store

So I did.  With the yogurts.  Not paid for.  (Disclaimer: I should not have done that and I do not advocate theft in any capacity.  Parents, please do not send me your bail bond receipts.)

The TC is calling after me but I don't even hear.  I am too hyped up on principle and adrenaline. I am Norma Rae and Erin Brokovich all rolled into one, with a bit of Michael Douglas in Falling Down.

The TC comes out and is on the phone with the manager (funny how she was able to call the manager back after all) and she is giving her my license plate number.  I say "fine, you want to call the police and tell them I stole two frozen yogurts, go ahead".  This was to the surprise of the the woman walking by.

We get into the car and my 5 year old just wants her frozen yogurt.  We drive a short ways to a local store which was our scheduled next stop and eat it in the car.  I've suddenly realized what I have just done and feel a mix of regret and pride.  We go about our business and when we get home I see the light of my answering machine blinking.  Sure enough, I hear "yeah, this is Officer **** at the *** Precinct.  I understand we had an incident at the *****.  It's very important that you call me."  I call the officer, who right away says to me "listen, I know those emails, you pay half price.  They were listed and it's a legitimate deal. They should have taken it and it's BS. And there is no sign saying that they don't accept it. But you shouldn't have left with the yogurt and I need you to go back now and pay for it."

I tell him that I realize what I did was wrong but is there any way that I can first contact the corporate office and he tells me that while he suggests that I do call the corporate office, I need to go back right away because the store manager wants me arrested.  Seriously.  Really wants me arrested. (insert "Law and Order" theme music.) He tells me that he spoke to his supervisor and that they are not going to arrest me, but that the manager is expecting a call back and he needs to tell her that I am coming back to pay. He tells me that he will meet me there to make sure that there is no trouble.

So, off my daughter and I go.  I walk in, introduce myself to the officer with a smile and shake his hand, and pay my bill. The officer tells the cashier to give me a receipt so I can later prove that I did pay (thank you, officer). I ask the cashier to write down the manager's name and she writes down the first name.  I ask for the last name and she says "We are not allowed to know their last name".  I give the police officer a puzzled look, take my receipt, thank the officer and move on, once again a law-abiding citizen.

What did I learn from this experience?  A few things.  First of all, I learned that my reactions were a direct result of the cashier and manager's reactions. They exhibited absolutely no customer service.  One of my former supervisors used to say that we should always remember to tell someone what we "CAN" do for them in any given situation.  If one of them would have said "I understand your frustration, it does say our location right on there.  I am not authorized to accept this but let me take your name and number and we can discuss this later."  Or, if they had accepted it and then fought their battle with the company that published it.  But there was none of that, which escalated the situation. So, I will remember to always see what I CAN do for someone rather than slamming the door in their face.  I will also try to remember to point that out to others that are not subscribing to the same mantra.

I also realized that I am overwhelmed.  This is the first Christmas that I am working full-time while having kids.  And it got to me.  I cracked like one of the fragile ornaments my kids inevitably drop every year.  Yes, I am working full-time, but the Christmas cards still have to made, ordered and sent, presents have to be bought and wrapped for the kids, friends, family, teachers, service providers, etc. My daughter's kindergarten holiday party has to be planned. And the daily responsibilities that are present year-round don't take a holiday during the holidays. I love this time of year and I love doing all of the things I mentioned, but it's a lot.  The day of the incident I had a long list of things to do and just had no patience or time in my schedule to deal with any crap.

So, my dear friends and readers, what is my wish for you this holiday season?  I wish you patience.  I wish you insight.  I wish you compassionate salespeople.  And I wish you an arrest free Christmas.