If You Give A Mom A Cookie

If you give a mom a cookie,
She'll want some coffee to go with it.
Opening the cupboard for a mug and seeing none will remind her that they are all in the dishwasher, which she ran the night before.
She will empty the dishwasher.
She will look for sugar for her coffee.
She will ask Alexa to add sugar to her shopping list.
She will ask Alexa to play her 80's rock mix.
She will take inventory of what she has and what else she needs to add to the list.
Adding laundry detergent to the shopping list will remind her that she never put her laundry in the dryer.
She will go to put her clothes in the dryer but will see that the towels she washed yesterday are still in there.
She will fold the towels and put them in the bathroom (once again, forgetting to put the clothes in the dryer.)
While in the bathroom, she will notice that the wastebasket is full and will empty it into the kitchen garbage pail,
This will fill the kitchen garbage bag, so she will take out the garbage.
On the way back in, she will get the mail and open it.
She will peruse a Macy's catalog to see if they have a Clinique Bonus coming up.
Opening the mail will remind her that she didn't pay the credit credit card bill.
She will go on the computer and pay her bill.
She will see that her Target tab is still open from the day before.
She will click that tab.
She will decide that she needs vitamins and will read several reviews of various kinds and brands.
She will then go to Amazon to compare prices.
She will get a text with a funny clip from her favorite show.
She will click 3 more videos.
She will see a Target ad that will remind her to go back to that site.
She will place her Target order for vitamins, swim goggles, and coffee creamer.
Looking at coffee creamer will make her want a cup of coffee.
She will remember that she has a cup of coffee on the counter.
And if she has a cup of coffee, she will probably want a cookie to go with it.

A Break-Up Letter to Covid-19 Quarantine

Dear Covid-19 Quarantine ("CQ"),

You've been hanging around for about three months now.  At first, there was a novelty about you, guess you could call it the "honeymoon phase." I had never experienced anything like you, and you certainly were not expected! I figured out your quirks and learned how to adjust to them. But lately, things have changed. I've been feeling that I need more space.  A LOT more space.

I haven't seen my friends because of you, and any self-help book or Dr. Phil episode will tell you that this is not the sign of a healthy relationship!  You won't let me go anywhere, and when I do, you make me hide my face. That's a bit controlling, don't you think?

CQ, being in this relationship has made me too comfortable.  While I appreciate that you don't care how I look, truly I do, I've let myself go because of you. My party clothes hang in the closet, while my washing machine is on a first-name basis with my sweatpants (which, by the way, are getting tighter and tighter.) I forgot how to use my iron. All of the muffins that I am baking are going straight to my, well, muffin top. I miss the person I was before you.

But they say that there is good that can be taken from any relationship, so I will look at the silver linings.  While you made me cook dinner almost every night of the past three months, I did realize that given enough time and planning, I'm better at it than I thought I was. I have tried new recipes and even made fresh pasta, so I suppose I have you to thank for that. 

Since you don't let me go out and socialize, I have read more, which is always a good thing, and have cleaned out some drawers and closets.  However, finding pictures and mementos from concerts and parties only makes me realize that you are just wrong for me.  It's clear that we want different things.

So dear CQ, it's time for me to see other people.  I mean, like, literally SEE OTHER PEOPLE.  Please don't come crawling back, you will just embarrass yourself as I hope to be immune to your charms soon.

Sincerely,
Darlene